On a personal note dont ask me why this "bachelor" is writing this book review of all the things in the world :) Its because
1. the other things i am reading like animals of the african savannah , the indian penal code and judiciary etc may not be relevant socially
2. This book answers many of the questions on contemporary indian marriage .
3. It answers on the face some of the dumbest comments i have heard from some "married " men ...
This book is part of a series of book by Vijay Nagaswami a chennai based couples therapist on the new indian marriage . Its a no brainer that the dynamics of marriage has changed from the days of the last generation which was strongly based on a patriarchal soceity . Though it has "worked " for that generation the increasing number of divorces these days is a partial testimony that what worked long ago may not work with the current generation . For starters the economic freedom of women , the idea that marriage is more for companionship than for social reasons etc etc has made the new indian marriage more challenging but more fruitful if you take the right approach . With real life examples he has given innumerable examples of the different issues in contemporary marriages .
If you are thinking why looking at the garage when you can see the cars going smoothly on the street .Look around you , though there are many happy marriages , there are many that are true garage cases . Even bad is those which go happily at slow speed with one wheel missing . Of course be honest with yourself because marriage of convenience (where both have very independant lives though married ) and controlling marriage (where one spouse controls other very much ) are not marriages in the real sense .
No the book is not asking you to fix a problem thats not there but this book is a must read for many couples who find something is seriously amiss in their marriage . (book is available onwww.flipkart.com)
I have been advised by a man who had an affair when he was married and later had more kids than national average . His complaint was i didnt produce a kid so far while he had already beat the national average . But seeing the first spouses life damaged and the kids growing up with a wrong example i smiled at him because at that time i didnt have a book to quote what i already knew . That was years back .
Recently another sage gave me a short lecture on how to have a great marriage . Knowing his marriage too well i replied that just because his wife was too patient prevented him from becoming a divorce statistic . That was also before i read this book which confirmed my observations .
Now even for one moment dont think that i am against marriage . I am not else i would have long ago gone to haridwar :) . But seriously for many married couples unless they are really "happily " married this book will be helpful i hope to enhance their marriage and to understand what is marriage (yes thats a bold statement from a bachelor .. but i mean it ..comments welcome )
First of all, I think marriage is not for all. If one has a mind that values freedom over and above everything else, then it is hard to sustain marriage. When you do not have ownership of your own mind, how can you write off your mind to another?
ReplyDeleteThere are different things each of us seek from marriage. For a good many Indian women, it is all about moving from the security and protected environment of one home to that of another. For yet others, who are more individualistic, the needs are complex. People wish to relate intellectually, and while it paves way for what can be very meaningful and enjoyable, it can also complicate the marriage per se.
I have always believed that the most beautiful marriages are the ones which stem from a very deep rooted friendship....especially a friendship that is built in one's formative years. You have always been friends and it might never even have dawned on you that this person could make a life partner. And then one fine day, you ask yourself- Why can't I take this friendship further? It is the most natural path to marriage- effortless. I am reminded of Eric Seagal's Doctors where Laura and Barney take decades to finally realize that they have been looking for each other all their lives.
I think 'familiarity' is something we all look for in a marriage. A comfort zone where we are free to be ourselves and where there is something of the environment we have known in our formative years. Such a deep rooted friendship often takes the form of a tender, unspoken love where the silence speaks much more than the words. It is easy for two such people to accept each other for who they are. And it is very hard for them to break off.
All other marriages are either superficial or demand a hell of an effort.
Also, the best relationships are the ones which are born from the sharing of pain....much more than from the sharing of happiness.
Vidya
Very thoughtful comment . I agree with most of it especially the part that when silence speaks more than words you have reached a deep plane of realtionship not only in marriage but also in deep friendship. Yes , the best relationships are borne out of sharing of pain not of happiness and why most relationships are superficial is because the target is shared happiness .. (of course all should be happy but thats not the only aim ) .
ReplyDeleteEric Seagals Doctors oh what a book but maybe u have to be a doctor to really appreciate it fully ... thanks for the comment