the girl outside the door ----on divorces

                                               She was just in her twenties .. But she was not coming inside the house . Her mother was working inside but the "class struggle" and her lower economic status was not the reason why she was shunning human contact . She was filled with shame .She was going through a divorce .

In divorce capital of india kerala (refer google) these days every month i hear of a few divorces . Why should i worry ? Then listen to these random stories .....

Girl 1 :  A young professional degree girl got married a few months back . Usually girls land in hospitals within a year of marriage for pregnancy related causes but this unfortunate girl landed in a hospital not  in gynaec department but Accident and Emergency . Victim of domestic violence . Still she didnt file for divorce . But daily abuses and unprintable words and continuing violence soon made her file for  divorce . Got the "divorced" label in a soceity that values continuing marriage at any cost  ...

Girl 2 :  If our young friend was unlucky second one was unluckier . She is also in her twenties . Young, full of life and waiting for the happily ever after tag . Though little out of fashion these days she got pregnant soon after marriage . Her abuses intensified after this great event because now there was a bond which prevents her from divorcing easily . " Single mom " status is also a taboo topic though we are westernised in all other things .


                                                The way many people get married be it arranged or love makes divorces not an inevitable end .Getting married to high end cars and qualifications and then facing realities after marriage is not rare . Neither is going after puppy love and flirty dialogues and then facing reality .

 But the worrying trend is people getting married and then  abused within marriages,. Its  often by high conflict personalities . (some with personality disorders ) . In this day of internet its your loss if you suffer abuse without at least knowing that sometimes your spouse may be having a personality disorder . Though not in the majority always be aware of basics of psychology before you tie the knot . We screen people for their qualifications and beauty but a little knowledge may save your life .
See the following internet links
 http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/understanding/

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/save-yourself/personality-disorders-core-features.php

If your spouse is a constant blamer, a constant emotional or physical abuser always do your homework read up on the net , exchange notes with good friends , see a good therapist and assess the situation and if necessary make big decisions in life . Although divorce should never be done for flimsy reasons if you are married or contemplating marriage or planning to have a baby with a high conflict personality better be aware and take informed decisions .
PS : Just my personal opinion based on my observations . Not psychological advice. Contact experts if marital issues are present .

lessons from a daughters death

                                                                    Recently i heard news of a young girls death by fire . I had seen her long back  with her father when she was a child and i started thinking ....

                                                                      When i  myself was a child ,death was not an uncomfortable thought . Staying at ancestral home used to go to funerals frequently and the smell of incense , the religious chants and except for the absence of laughter it was just another day . Always it was some old person who lived his life to the full and who usually was sick in the end and then one fine day went his way to the nether world . All natural processes and taken in its stride and as a child with less worldly experience there was no reflection on this phenomenon .

Years passed by and as a blogger and reading the news daily ,  i hear about death be it in news online or offline . But its when it strikes close such as in a person whom you know that the reflection part comes in . Of course there is the usual reaction of shock and sadness , followed by the reflection of how that particular death impacts the immediate relatives .

But more importantly i think about the bigger picture and death . Especially when the death is of a young person . Most often , me included ,we  go through life as if death doesnt exist . We expect to complete a full lifespan . But as of the time of this writing no one has the guarantee that they will see the next moment . But still observation of many people leads me to these   open questions :

1. When deaths are so sudden and life changing ...Why do some people are so materialistic these days ? When they get reminded that life is actually quite short why do they still hoard money , collect money at the cost of relationships and neither use it for others nor even use it properly for themselves . I have seen countless people who have lots of assets but neither enjoy it fully nor give it to others ( i am not talking about reasonable savings )  . Though not everyone will experience death of a daughter or son why dont people see life in the bigger perspective ?

2 . When we were children , we both used to occasionally have a fight with our dad . Because he used to tell us " All the children i come across are also my children " . In our possessiveness we forgot the message he was trying to convey . Just because we were his biological children doesnt mean that he should restrict his love and affection only to us  . And he meant what he told and to this day one of the traits for which he is loved by all is because of this .  He loved his nuclear family very much but his abundant affection was spread to the children he came across (across social classes ) . This is in sharp contrast to many i meet these days who are so "nuclear " that they have a very hard time thinking beyond their family . And the paradox is many of these "pampered children " become as self centred as their parents and exclude even their parents in later life .

3. I have more than a few times heard about ultrarich people who were very self centred and materialistic suddenly turned to an ascetic life after sudden death of their child . The move was so extreme as was the death .My last question is why be so self centred and why be the extreme ascetic ? Why dont you choose the middle path even while your children are alive ?

 Just as Buddha told the average person to choose the middle path why dont we too choose the middle path in enjoying lifes pleasures still not being "materialistic "  .  Not going for extreme nuclear family love , extreme love of money etc still keeping things in perspective and right balance .

Would love your comments on this topic from your experience ..

                                                                         

On lawyers and doctors

                                                           My cousin just passed LLB (law ) today . I am happy at it . But i am more happy when i asked her about her dream career path . She wants to be a corporate lawyer . Cool name and cool career path though as in everything each of the career paths require its own specific interests as well as positives and negatives . I didnt ask her in depth why she is interested in that path because she is too excited today .

Remaining is purely my opinion and my thoughts ...Long ago as a fresher MBBS there was a cool career or rather a specialty which started getting popular at that time . It was called radiodiagnosis . Like in any specialty choice there should be multiple reasons for taking that career path for me being a career which gives a great work life balance , in touch with the latest technology(with some physics also thrown in ) etc .
And though thinking about money is taboo in our materialistic society a high salary and a early settlement was also a reason for the specialty choice.  I had clearly seen looking around that earning a decent livelihood during your best years  was next to impossible in many other specialities  in that time . And it was not because medical profession was "social service "  and doctors were paid paltry sums immediately on passing out . It was because of exploitation of the just passed out doctors not only by hospitals (often owned by non doctors ) as well as a wrong indoctrination that decent earning for the work you do is guilty .Thanks to the costly equipment and also because it was a new specialty with less people radiodiagnosis afforded a very decent salary yet doing "social service " and enjoying the work .

In law also following the traditional route is a long and lengthy process . Nothing wrong in that . But junior lawyers for a long period are paid salaries /stipends which is far below that given for other professions of same or lesser duration courses . Law and medicine definitely contribute directly to the upliftment of soceity and i often felt the paradox in soceitys rewarding system for the professions which contribute more to it .
To make a brief comparison entry level selling jobs get many times the salary of a budding lawyer or doctor . or even teacher .

Of course some people are cut out to be practising lawyers litigating high profile criminal cases in later years . Same is the case with cardiac surgeons etc in medical field . But i still feel during the early years of the career lawyers and doctors are given a raw deal . Some of the youngsters these days are smart enough to realise this and make appropriate decisions but i often feel if the salaries are appropriate more talented people will take up the "traditional " route .

I am still perplexed at the interview i had long time ago for a dubai based hospital . My classmate who finished Masters in medicine was sitting with a sad face while i with a diploma in radiodiagnosis(at that time , i completed my Masters later ) was offered much more salary . Call it demand and supply equation or economics of the professions or simple exploitation i still feel as a soceity we should reward people according to what one does and contributes ..

PS : Every aspiring student should give great importance to his interests in professional or specialty choice . But in addition he should give importance for the benefit he gets for the efforts he puts in without feeling guilty about it . And if you still feel professions are "purely " for social service and not also for earning livelihood should join missionary work or politics .. The latter two has no exams or long study involved ..And lastly i love  lawyers who practise in courts as well as neurosurgeons . Make sure that you get your salary /stipend and never get exploited and i am sure the "vocal" new generation can do it ..