mind your own business ... bachelor...

Am i asking for trouble with this blog ? Maybe yes . Because unlike sushi , shanghai or salsa i am not experienced in this field . Yup , you guessed it right . Its on marriage . No , no i am not going to give any advice on marriage but just wanted to do a book review on 24x7 marriage by vijay nagaswami .

Over the years seeing many married couple of different age groups i have observed many intriguing things . I have seen couples who have fought like india and pakistan realising the essence of marriage after 20-30 years . Also i have seen people as dissimilar as Karl Marx and Marilyn Monroe sharing happily married life . This book was casually picked out of curiosity during one of my airport waits along with Sherlock Holmes and an american travelogue  . And reading that book which can be easily finished in two to three days i find that each of the examples in the book rings a bell of  one or the other couple i have observed . Without going on into great theoretical aspects on the quantum mechanics of marriage , the author has explained what has changed about marriage over the years . It describes the I space , We space and family space where  a good marriage enriches the individual rather than smothers him/her . And this book affirmed my thought that many of the previous generations "ideal marriages" where not marriages in the first place if trust ,respect,companionship etc are considered as the key factors . Many of them survived because there was no other option or rather they didnt have the guts to get out of the relationship .  This book also explores the place of work -life balance in marriage where "career men and women  " get married . 

Do not think that this book is a serious book on a serious topic . Neither is it a witty book : if it was he would have named it in a witty way  .  This is also not a day to day guide on how to lead a married life  ( to my knowledge no such training exists )  . 

But this book gives you some inputs if you are married or planning to get married or just curious  ...

Meredith Johnson......movie review disclosure

Hollywood has it all . You have got the ultimate action movies , the ultimate horror movies , very funny  movies  and movies which are fiction but which are based on plots which are potentially possible in real life . Malayalam movies especially the golden age of malayalam movies (the 1980s) thrived on these realistic plots .
One such hollywood movie is disclosure . Starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore in the lead roles this movie is about  a sexual harassment charge levied by the female protagonist Meredith Johnson against the male protogonist . Whats the big deal  ?  The deal is here the sexual harassment was actually done by the female protagonist against the male protagonist . Though the plot is more complicated than this harassment  charge , there are many scenes which show the helplessness of the male protagonist in defending himself against this charge and trying to prove the truth . 

According to most jurisdictions testimony of a person dying called dying declaration ,  testimony of children , and testimony of women (only in sexual harassment charges )  have the greatest value  . In an ideal world all these things are perfectly logical . A person about to die will be 100 percent honest , children are 100 percent innocent and women ideally will be 100 percent honest in sexual harassment cases . But it is clearly mentioned in  legal literature that dying declaration need not be always 100 percent correct , children though vast majority of them are innocent and regarding women in most of cases when she cries harassment there might be harassment  . 

But the point is especially in current era cant this be used by "some" women for their advantage . For , when they do , the law will side them thinking they are protecting the rights of women . But just like there are bad apples everywhere among both sexes , it would be appropriate that the justice system considers both sides fairly .

Disclosure movie is a nice picture and though i hate Meredith Johnson i am a fan of Demi Moore  . 

marriage advice from a bachelor

Happily married couples pls ignore this blog  .. or read my travel to vienna or sushi in mumbai or any other things  ..
                                                                             Have you gone mountain climbing ?  For adventure junkies it is the ultimate thrill . But the fact remains that it is not the safest of sport especially if you dont play by the rules or is careless .  Now do you have to climb a mountain to know the safety aspects of mountain climbing ?  Generally yes for experience is the greatest teacher but if you are a good observer especially if you have been observing numerous climbs from a helicopter you get some idea of the obvious good ways and bad ways and pathetic ways of mountain climbing  . 

Correct me if i am wrong a good marriage is great especially if its  driven by real romance and affection .Now i am not going to the details as many of my married friends ,relatives etc are the experts in this . But , like a guy from the helicopter , these days i find one safety aspect which is being ignored in some marriages . Years down the line when that marriage breaks down everyone is shocked but its not shocking at all as one simple safety aspect is ignored . 

Its "criticism "  . Come on , what is this ignorant bachelor foolish fellow , telling the obvious . Afterall doesnt he know that criticism is part and parcel of any marriage good and bad . Is he comparing marriage to the teenage glossy romance?   I am not backing out  ... however .

I know that criticism , fights are all part and parcel of marriages . But the criticism i am talking about is the blatant criticism in front of other people .  As  human beings fundamentally no one likes blatant criticism . And the golden rule of criticism which is healthy and unhealthy is dont do it in front of others .  You must have observed some couples who keep on picking at their mate  in front of other people . It may be even in the form of jokes .  But as human beings though many people are intensely humourous , when the object of humour is you , few people enjoy it  .  And as a couple in 24 hours there is enough private space to criticise or even make funny jokes . Maybe it will even increase intimacy  . But public criticism in the long run  , i think , will have grave consequences for the happy marriage  .  

Now even after all this some skeptics say hey bachelor where is the proof  of the poor prognosis of your predictions ?  I have not done a statistical study  but at least in 4-5 cases of marriage breakdowns i have witnessed the key factor i have observed is the husband /wife (usually one of them )  always criticizing the other partner in front of others .Sooner or later the object of criticism who is "supposedly stupid /dumb"  acted smart out of necessity and opted out of the marriage and in some cases found a better partner who found him/her not stupid  .  And the criticizer is left with no spouse to criticize . 

I have also observed and heard people telling me how much they are bothered by the spouses criticism . Being "oversmart " these criticizing counterpart will not listen to advice from anybody and that too from a non-mountain climber ( I am in the helicopter as i have told earlier )  .  My sincere hope is if at all they find the cracks of marital strain is showing one of the first things they got to check is whether they are criticizing their spouse in front of others ...

haroonkerala@gmail.com    i am awaiting some comments /criticism

Branded...My wardrobe makeover

                                                                     Some of my cousins told me always why dont i go for brands especially in clothing .  Now do not imagine even for one moment that i am wearing charka spun clothes and dressing like a sadhu . A percentage of my wardrobe was always big brands , another percentage smaller brands and another percentage non-brands (is there such a term these days?) 
                           But at least according to my well meaning cousins if you have money you should be always branded (top brands like arrow , lousis philippe ... )  . And one of my favourite cousins who is a budding dentist got himself a wardrobe of louis philippe so that he can wear it all the 5 days of the week .
There is no doubt these big brands are stylish and nice but are they value for money . Does that mean that the lesser brands or even non-branded ones are bad ?  I dont think so  .  At least in dress i have observed through the years that generally top brands also  come in all types . There are ones which cost 3 times of a lesser brand but which lasts three times less .  There are some except for their label are less stylish compared to their less costly peers .  And like one of the recent Arrow shirt i bought from a big mall in chennai the top button almost came off the next day i started wearing it . I wouldnt have been upset but i had spent more on a "brand" .  If its not for the meticulous manufacturing techniques why am i paying more for a brand  ?

I wont say the good old days are the best in everyway  (eg :we didnt have mobile phones in school :(  or sushi in kerala  ) but  one clear thing i remember is we didnt go after brands like it was a religion these days . Definitely many brands are good but only to wear  brands  and crave for brands as if thats "the thing" in life makes me a little worried . For if you really go only for brands that money can be more efficiently used to buy a lot of things which you truly enjoy ..

Lastly there was an interesting conversation between two of my colleagues while i was working in Calicut Medical College . One of them always wearing brands was boasting about how his branded shirts last for 10 years .... The other person was telling dont you think that its boring to wear the same set of branded shirts for ten years instead of changing them at least every 2-3 years.
                                     Have you ever thought why brands cost so much ?  Definitely part of the cost comes from higher cost raw materials , workmanship (my button :(  may be an exception i hope )  but a significant proportion comes from "branding "  . Who will pay for the million Rs advertisement by celebrity brand ambassador ?  It is you and me who share that cost .  Though my blogging is not going to reduce their revenue or the cost of brands as for me i will still continue the same as i did before ... Choose dress depending on the quality and value for money .. not blindly following the brand and brand ambassador  ..
Do they always wear the brands which they advertise ?  Got to check it out ...

Freddie mercury and some more little thoughts

I am obsessed with the band queen .I am sure i am not alone in this but there are millions out there who are in the same state and thats why Freddie Mercury became a legend .  If you had been curious you would have searched the net more and already found out more details about Freddie Mercury . Most of his fans know that he died of Aids. It was also known about his sexual orientation etc etc  ... 

                                                                         Now see the above picture . It shows Freddie showing affection to a baby and the contented look of the lady obviously its mother . Looks are deceptive . This is the same rockstar who enthralled more than 3 lakh people in a single stadium rockshow at his most tender moment .  At the time this picture was taken this lady was not his wife and this baby also was not his  .  He never had any kids . And this lady Mary Austin had divorced him many years earlier allegedly for his gay orientation .  Then what is Freddie doing with her and this baby ?  

Human beings are complex beings at least some of them about whom i have written in many of the earlier blogs .Coming back to Freddie Mercury In a 1985 interview, Mercury said of Austin, All my lovers asked me why they couldn't replace Mary [Austin], but it's simply impossible. The only friend I've got is Mary and I don't want anybody else  .(courtesy :wikipedia ) . 

Freddie had many lovers and relationships but all throughout his life  till his death his only friend was Mary Austin . Call it romantic or platonic or something in between it is amazing . How many of you  can visualise yourself in the above picture and have a deep friendship with your ex-wife . And especially a rockstar who can get a thousand girls queueing up for him . In his final days when he was battling death and bedridden with Aids she was at his side nursing him . 

Now my little thought ... Just for a moment think in the shoes of Freddie mercury...do you have a close confiding relationship , one who will stand by you in sickness and in health . Dont tell me the usual rap of "Im married .. so i have one "  . I have seen enough marriages where the only binding factor is economics . And dont tell me " I have a girlfriend "  .. Many are dependant on lust otherwise why dont they last  ?  .  And dont tell me " I have so many facebook and other friends "  .. If Mercury was alive today he would have a million friends .  

The point is if Freddie Mercury who had everything valued this one relationship above all other things in life , why dont we also make that our prime focus in life ... Its not easy because even for Freddy with a million fans and many partners there was only one real relationship  . I am not asking any one to refresh your friendlist or get married or divorce your wife and go after another woman  .  But the point is keep ones priority on close relationships (platonic/romantic or whatever )  ...and give less priority to all else including material gains .. Maybe looking back thats the only thing that counts  ...

Freddie Mercury and the Queen

So many years back i got a cassette (those days there was no CDs ) as a gift from my cousin . I heard that music and to tell frankly i didnt like that music . It was my first western music cassette . The next cassette i bought was Michael jackson's and from that moment on i was in love with pop music . Michael jackson, George Michael all followed thrilling me with their mindblowing music . Rock was always relegated to the back seat with the electric guitar driven music occassionally being played in the car  .
                                                         Today after long years a websurfing landed me on music video of Queen and Freddie Mercury  . Dont tell me that i was sleeping all these years . I knew there was this Freddie Mercury who was a great Rock singer and in the Rock n Roll Hall of fame . But this was the time i listened to his song and realised why he was one of the greatest singers . And  a search for "queen" on the internet didnt bring up the british queen as the first search item but this greatest rock band and the man behind it Freddie Mercury . I listened to his Bohemian Rhapsody, Killer queen ,crazy thing called love and many others and though still not a rock fan this group has bowled me over . Not only words are comprehensible the vocal range of Freddie Mercury shows  extreme range  (wikipedia for details )  .  Within seconds he can go from the deep bass to the high pitched voice along with the sustain and wow effect of the electric guitar  .
                                                                                 No music is complete without a look into his achievements and personal life . Its said that often famous people are like shooting stars . Freddie Mercury died  at age 45 with bronchopneumonia as complication of AIDS . Though he was the greatest musician who enthralled millions in his stadium filled rock shows he was  a very shy person in his personal life . And he was of british indian ancestry .

Any guesses which was that first cassette which introduced me to western music many years back ---It was an album of Queen by Freddie Mercury  .  And i am glad that i discovered his music again after years and tremendously liked it this time .... thats the magic of Queen and Freddie Mercury

Eternal youth

Have you observed around you certain people who dont age  ?  I dont mean the looks at all , but when you interact with them you feel like you are interacting with a young person . I have met many of them in the age group of 50-70+  years . Initially a curiosity , now an observer , i realised its not the food they eat or the dress that they wear that exudes this youthfullness .  It is their attitude  .  Not the "ego " which makes people age faster but the youthful attitude they have towards life in general  .  

                                                                                                Im not saying that a 75 year old should be the first one to jump out when someone says "disco " or a "marathon " the attitude of "why not ?" makes a difference in your ageing process .  Jokes apart studies have proven that even physical ageing slows down by a change in attitude .  All the people whom i have met who have this youthful bubbliness even look at least 10 years less their age . Hoiw many age defying creams do that actually ?  

                                                             Another factor i have observed in these people is their sense of humour . Casual observation around you will make this clear . Generally younger people are less inhibited when they enjoy humour . Maybe because the realities of the world have not started affecting them but the fact remains that especially in these days no one is preventing you from having a hearty laugh . But many older people find it inappropriate to have a hearty laugh as they are supposed to be more mature .  And the same world has laughter clubs to promote laughter .  

                                                                    Last ten years its been fashionable or even essential to go to school or study in older age group .  But spontaneously seeking out new knowledge makes a person younger  .  For that is also growth  and this attitude towards knowledge whenever exhibited by an elder person also makes him younger . When i was studying in school i had a combined study mate .  She was not my schoolmate neither was she my age . She was learning english while i was studying physics and chemistry . And she was reading simple sentences . It was my grandmother who wanted to learn english reading and writing and every 10 minutes she asked me doubts .  Recently my aunt who already is a Masters in Science did a Masters in another subject  .  And i am sure that she didnt do it  for anything else rather than the thrill of learning .  

And yes  this aunt of mine also has all the traits in this blog . 

                                                                          These days the number of people who are becoming younger as they age is increasing but the above three traits can be cultivated if you want . And of course it is cheaper than the "age defying serum/cream " which is being advertised and used by countless people which only makes the manufacturer richer ...

Amir and some little thoughts

If a guys name is Amir what image does it conjure on your mind ?  According to the latest book which i am reading Freakonomics the naming of people though seemingly meaningless have some bearing on their future .  Anyway this Amir whom me and my father met was not rich as the name implies . He was working hard to make ends meet . But what was striking about this not rich Amir was his hearty smile when we talked to him .  But what was a paradox was this Amir (rich in hindi ) not only was not rich  but was an orphan .
We dont have to search among great men but just observe people around us who inspite of undergoing the greatest losses still keep the spark of life by their positive outlook  .  At the same time we find around us many who crib about the lack of material things inspite of having everything  .  I have  met some really rich people who have stacked most of their money and crib that they dont have money for their day to day needs . 

Now coming to illness .  As a doctor i have seen the range of illnesses from common cold to cancer .  As i have written in an earlier blog that it amazes me that the persons who crib the maximum about their illness is the ones with the minor illnesses . I have got one of my favourite neighbour aunt who is now battling renal failure with 3 dialysis sessions per week sustaining her life . Shes not falsely hopeful but she doesnt crib .  But i have seen so many people who crib about even hypertension ,diabetes and even cholesterol as if their world is ending .  I have observed that these people who crib about these illnesses are the ones who only think about money and their health only and doesnt give any attention to other people . 

Its not wrong in feeling bad and talking about your illness with sadness even about viral fever . But talking about it in a way as if  thats the only thing that matters shows the lack of understanding of ones place in the world where it is high time that the concerned person think about their gifts which are given free -- be it their parents , a sufficient income etc etc  ..

1 dollar a day man

                                                              There were two neighbours Ram and Shyam . Ram born with a silver spoon in his mouth had a great education in a big private school and finally did a degree and landed a job in a multinational company . Shyam who lived in a hut nearby worked part-time after school as his fathers meagre income was not enough to support his education . He passed with first class and studied hard ,earned a scholarship and landed a job in the same MNC as Ram . Ram was earning more than Shyam but his expenses were always equal to or more than his income . While Shyam though had a smaller salary had a decent lifestyle and even had some savings . 
                                                                          The question is Why do you admire Shyam though he is making less money ? 
                                                            After each of my foreign visits  i  appreciate the country i visit very much . But i have the greatest appreciation for india my country  as india whether it shines or not is doing all the shining with a population burden of 1 billion + and  its just 60 +years only since it became a free country  .  And in spite of all its corruption,poverty,etc etc it still has one of the best value for money things . Though i hardly meet people these days  who make less than 1 dollar a day  , even that 1 dollar will help me survive decently  .

A short  comparison  :

In my recent trip to germany i visited many restaurants . Its a known fact that in germany 1 bottle of water costs approximately 3 dollars  .  In india in most of restaurants water which is a fundamental human need is given free and even a bottle of mineral water costs 0.2 dollars  .

I  went from one german town to munich in a train which cost 40 dollars  which  was a 3 hour train ride .  In india the similar journey  will cost anywhere between 1 dollar to 10 dollars  . And dont imagine that all the trains are crowded and as one of my foreigner friend told me "shows an occasional rat "  .  Its a fact that many trains are crowded but  the  variety is so huge that there are trains like Shadabdi and Rajadhani express which are at par or even better than european trains  . And for the rat  :  in all my years i have never seen a rat  in a train  . 

In india in most of the places accomodation can be had from 2 dollars onwards to 1000 dollars .There is a place for everyone depending on his budget  . And the quality of a 3 and 4  star hotel  is better than same priced accomodation in europe .  Call it cost of living or whatever it remains a fact that india gives value for money .

Before i end this you must have guessed what i meant by Ram and Shyam  and whom we should appreciate . And yesterday while visiting a government hospital in india i saw the 1 dollar man , an indian with the classic turban , probably a small farmer . From his dressing he looked like a 1 dollar man , not starving but neither rich , rather who lives happily with his family and living within his 1 dollar daily income . And he was about to get a scan in a scanner which was costing crores one of the best in the world . And how come this 1 dollar man is affording this costly scan . It was because his corrupt , poor government inspite of the "developing country" tag has given him subsidised healthcare at a cost which will shock the developed world .
And that is why i am proud of india and the many indians  who is making this country one of the fastest growing economies in the world  ...